But Are You? Are You Really? Hm.

Not too many years ago, I worked at an all boys’ school. My friends and I used to joke that the boys thought we were fine because they didn’t have girls their own age to look at. So, even if a teacher really looked like the caricature of a lunch lady, we all looked like snacks. If you were actually good looking, then you were the finest of the lunch ladies. The crushes were harmless, and most of the students knew not to act on their crushes unless they wanted their souls snatched into the ether. The ones that couldn’t resist testing the waters typically became examples of why you don’t attempt to date your teacher.*

About six years have passed since that first group of boys graduated from high school. Many have college degrees. They have jobs, and a lot have children. They consider themselves to be grown @$$ men. They’ve proven themselves with women of their own age group. And now that they’re grown, some get it into their minds that they can — and should — act on that crush from many a moon ago.

Slow down there, little buddy.

Here’s a slice of reality for you. Your teacher crush likely didn’t notice and/or take your crush seriously when you were in their classroom. Know why? Because you were a child. You weren’t capable of carrying on an adult conversation, and your teacher had friends and significant others outside of the school. For every teacher you hear about committing criminal sexual assault against their students (because when a teacher dates a student, any kind of physical contact between that student and teacher is a CRIME), there are exponentially more who have never had one ounce of physical attraction for their students. Those criminals are the exceptions; the rule is you don’t have sex with children, especially children who have been entrusted to your care.

So. Your teacher wasn’t thinking about you while you were in school. That’s okay, now, though, right? Because school has been out and you are grown now. Right? Right?

No. Just no. Please don’t do it to yourself. Or to that teacher. Hitting on your former teacher is a bad idea. No matter how grown you are and how many conquests you’ve made, this isn’t a challenge you should attempt. I won’t speak for all teachers, but for me, my students are like my kids. So it’s disgusting to even consider dating one of them. Ever. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It makes my skin crawl to think about it. It’s not ever going to happen.

So. At best, you will have made me throw up a tad at the very idea. If you’re lucky and I like you as a human being, I’ll just block every point of contact between us. That’s generally hurtful to me. I’m nosy enough to like to know what’s going on with my babies, and cutting you off cuts me off from having a peek into the fabulous future I think you should have.

At worst, though, I’ll embarrass you. Snatch your soul into the ether. Remind you that I haven’t changed because I will roast your audacious butt into infinity for thinking you ever had a chance of getting a date with me. I’m telling your former principal (and blaming that soul for not raising you better). I’m contacting any coaches you had or have relationships with to ask them to remind you that I am way too old to be bothered with you. I imagine most teachers feel the same about their former students.

I get it. I know you heard that some teacher somewhere ran into a former student once they were adults and now they are happy together and have been for years. THAT’S RARE, and it’s not happening with me. Love yall like stepchildren, so no. Cherish our fond memories and don’t send me any unsolicited pictures of body parts. Don’t send any weird messages confessing that you want to spend time with me. Please please please don’t confess love. Feel free to think of me as your other mother. If you wouldn’t say it or try it with your mom, keep it to yourself (and if you are trying to be physical with your mom, please get some help. Really).

Love you (from a distance), and I hope the best for you. Be blessed, and enjoy your life.

This isn’t a travel blog. If you’re looking for things you need for your trip (which is really just a way for me to earn money by advertising for expensive shit you won’t actually use), go back to Google and try again.

I love traveling. It’s as essential as air and water. Whether it’s a road trip, a weekend junket, or an international destination, it’s worth going to, exploring, and seeing. And while going alone is always an option, it can be more fun to travel with friends. So, here are the friends I recommend you take with you when you plan your next trip.

Your Unselfish Friends

It should go without saying, but you don’t want to take your friend that always has her hand stuck out and wants to examine the dinner bill with a magnifying glass. You might love her to pieces, but she’s going to drive you insane with all her nickel and diming. If you take an uber, she is surely the one who won’t have the app on her phone, won’t know how to split the cost, and will question why the uber is going in the direction it’s going as though she actually knows how to get to the destination herself.

Before you question how you will know who she is before you ever travel with her, think about it. This is your friend who always leaves early and conveniently forgets to include tax and tip on her portion of dinner. She will tally her meal to the last penny, leave exactly that (or tell you to keep the change on the less than a dollar that she leaves), and then act shocked if anyone brings up the fact that she shorted the table. Who me? Girl, I would never. This is also your friend who always thinks whatever you leave for a tip is too much (“That waitress put too much ice in my drink…did she say hi when came to the table? She must not want a tip today.”) She is the family member that won’t pay her dues for the family reunion, but will come to the picnic with Popeyes and eat it as though she is daring someone to ask her to leave the venue the dues paid for. You know who she is — leave her at home.

Friends with Positive Attitudes

Things may go wrong. Flights get delayed. Traffic might make you miss your spa appointment. You might have accidentally brought your cheap friend. In the event that everything doesn’t go as planned, you want your friends with positive attitudes. Negative Nelly is sure to blow the mood, and make things worse than they are, even if the rest of you are trying to have a good time in spite of the problems that may have arisen.

Even in the best situation, Negative Nelly is going to blow your mood because in her heart of hearts, she is a buzzkill. She doesn’t like her roommate. Someone moved her toothpaste in the bathroom. She’s tired of this, and she doesn’t like that, and don’t you think it’s funny that…blah blah snore. She will complain about how clear the ocean water is if she can see her feet. Her joy in life is stealing everybody else’s joy so leave her ass at home let her enjoy her time at home.

Friends Who Aren’t Divas

It’s cool if your bestie is a diva, but you probably don’t want to travel with her. Divas need to be pampered princesses everywhere, and that means she will look to you to be her lackey if there isn’t anyone else around to cater to her every whim and desire. Yes, that means she is overpacking and expecting you to handle her bags. Yes, that means when she is hungry, the world will need to stop to ensure she has “libations” and “something delicious” that isn’t any of the five thousand things to eat nearby.

She is definitely going to blow your time schedule. So if you take her, don’t plan any excursions. For one thing, you won’t make it on time because she is going to move at her own pace, which doesn’t answer to a clock unless she’s ready to go and you aren’t. She’s the girl at the spa who takes a million years when they’re trying to clear the room for their next appointment. No matter if you’re already ending an hour behind schedule. She will announce petulantly that she “feels rushed” after taking 45 minutes in the shower and another thirty to put on her clothes.

She needs to be the center of attention, and there will be hell to pay if she isn’t. While you might think you’re on a trip to relax and have a good time with friends, half of your trip will be spent making sure the Diva is okay. The other half will be spent doing things she feels like doing, because, let’s face it, this trip was really all about her anyway, right?

Friends Who Share Your Vacation Philosophy

Whether you enjoy athletic excursions, shopping, or lounging by the pool, you want to travel with friends who enjoy vacationing the way you do. I’m a planner. I like excursions and seeing the local flavor. Because of that, I don’t travel with people who only want to lounge by the pool. If I want company during my explorations, I know my best bet is to travel with a friend who gets bored after a day poolside.

The same goes for you. If you are a spend the whole trip in the resort kind of girl, you don’t want to take your friends like me, because when they leave you — and they will — you will be irritated to find yourself alone at the pool, trying to make friends with the people who traveled with their likeminded pool-loving friends.

When planning your trip, keep in mind what your purpose is and choose your travel companions accordingly. And, if you find that someone asks you to go on a trip and they don’t fit one of the above categories, don’t be afraid to say no. It can save your friendship.