But Are You? Are You Really? Hm.

Not too many years ago, I worked at an all boys’ school. My friends and I used to joke that the boys thought we were fine because they didn’t have girls their own age to look at. So, even if a teacher really looked like the caricature of a lunch lady, we all looked like snacks. If you were actually good looking, then you were the finest of the lunch ladies. The crushes were harmless, and most of the students knew not to act on their crushes unless they wanted their souls snatched into the ether. The ones that couldn’t resist testing the waters typically became examples of why you don’t attempt to date your teacher.*

About six years have passed since that first group of boys graduated from high school. Many have college degrees. They have jobs, and a lot have children. They consider themselves to be grown @$$ men. They’ve proven themselves with women of their own age group. And now that they’re grown, some get it into their minds that they can — and should — act on that crush from many a moon ago.

Slow down there, little buddy.

Here’s a slice of reality for you. Your teacher crush likely didn’t notice and/or take your crush seriously when you were in their classroom. Know why? Because you were a child. You weren’t capable of carrying on an adult conversation, and your teacher had friends and significant others outside of the school. For every teacher you hear about committing criminal sexual assault against their students (because when a teacher dates a student, any kind of physical contact between that student and teacher is a CRIME), there are exponentially more who have never had one ounce of physical attraction for their students. Those criminals are the exceptions; the rule is you don’t have sex with children, especially children who have been entrusted to your care.

So. Your teacher wasn’t thinking about you while you were in school. That’s okay, now, though, right? Because school has been out and you are grown now. Right? Right?

No. Just no. Please don’t do it to yourself. Or to that teacher. Hitting on your former teacher is a bad idea. No matter how grown you are and how many conquests you’ve made, this isn’t a challenge you should attempt. I won’t speak for all teachers, but for me, my students are like my kids. So it’s disgusting to even consider dating one of them. Ever. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. It makes my skin crawl to think about it. It’s not ever going to happen.

So. At best, you will have made me throw up a tad at the very idea. If you’re lucky and I like you as a human being, I’ll just block every point of contact between us. That’s generally hurtful to me. I’m nosy enough to like to know what’s going on with my babies, and cutting you off cuts me off from having a peek into the fabulous future I think you should have.

At worst, though, I’ll embarrass you. Snatch your soul into the ether. Remind you that I haven’t changed because I will roast your audacious butt into infinity for thinking you ever had a chance of getting a date with me. I’m telling your former principal (and blaming that soul for not raising you better). I’m contacting any coaches you had or have relationships with to ask them to remind you that I am way too old to be bothered with you. I imagine most teachers feel the same about their former students.

I get it. I know you heard that some teacher somewhere ran into a former student once they were adults and now they are happy together and have been for years. THAT’S RARE, and it’s not happening with me. Love yall like stepchildren, so no. Cherish our fond memories and don’t send me any unsolicited pictures of body parts. Don’t send any weird messages confessing that you want to spend time with me. Please please please don’t confess love. Feel free to think of me as your other mother. If you wouldn’t say it or try it with your mom, keep it to yourself (and if you are trying to be physical with your mom, please get some help. Really).

Love you (from a distance), and I hope the best for you. Be blessed, and enjoy your life.